The only person in the whole world that can calm me down when I’m starting to panic about how much we still have to do for the wedding and pay for is you @samfellman I don’t know if it’s because I’m finally coming out of a nearly two year stint of anxiety and depression and starting to feel that relief so my mind has automatically started trying to protect me by making me think ahhhh nooooo. Worry about the wedding! But you’re the only one who could talk to me and calm me down completely about it. We came up with solutions to problems. Cheaper ideas and finalised ideas and sent out lots of emails finalising plans and my head feels so much better now. Being assaulted nearly two years ago destroyed my life. It brought back a torrent of memories of child abuse I hadn’t dealt with and it made me anxious to leave my house let alone return to the place where it happened. So when I finally started to breathe and think all was okay and it happened again I sunk myself into a deep dark hole and decided to hide there for a long time. Thankfully I had supportive friends that helped me walk away from that part of my life but I miss a lot of my friends as I didn’t get to say bye to them. I can’t believe that I’ve had 30 months to plan my wedding and whilst I’ve done a hell of a lot for it I’ve realised that I’ve also spent 20 months stuck in this dark cloud unaware I was even depressed until I was out of it. Because I’ve always been thankful for my life and what I have in it, I’ve always recognised what I was going through as trauma and anxiety. But now as I begin to reach the other side, I feel such an enormous weight lifting off my shoulders and mostly off my brain. I feel like I’m finally experiencing things for the first time like my house I moved into 10 months ago. I feel like I’m able to say “that can wait” rather than “I have to do this right now” (the hen do is a little different because it’s in 6 months and I’m still control freak me whatever mental health phase I’m in) 😂but honestly it feels nice to breathe. It feels nice to plan it and be efficient and get shit done rather than worrying and panicking and not actually sorting any of it so it never leaves my brain.
Looking for new wedding venues seeing as our venue is being sold and has therefore been cancelled. I went into mini meltdown mode. Then thought about the fact that when me and @samfellman got engaged on the mountain in #Iceland we said how we'd love to get married outside. This was pushed aside as you can't legally get married outside in the UK and I wanted to actually get married on our wedding day. We found a perfect venue for £695.00 (+ registry office and chair hire) and then a week ago they called and said we're selling up so cancelling all our 2018 bookings. Seeing Sam become distressed and emotional was one of the hardest parts to deal with. We've spoken about it, and I think the best thing to do is rearrange the registry office to Wednesday/Thursday and have a fake but legal wedding which will be unimportant to us. Then on the Saturday go to a beautiful location which we fall in love with and will now be scouting for and set up solar power fairy lights, the archway we've made and have one of our friends marry us and dress up properly and use our actual wedding rings on the day. All that matters to me is that me and Sam like our day. If people have to wear wellies and stand during our ceremony - so be it. #walks#forest#beautiful#wedding#weddingplanning#weddingprep#weddingideas#weddinginspo#weddingceremony#ceremony#fellmanwedding18082018